Q & A: Addressing a Pre-K Issue
Written by Dr. Pia Boben Fenimore
Q: My 4 1/2-year-old little boy was recently kicked out of his preschool. We were asked to find a new school for him because of his behavior. He has tantrums, usually related to frustration with another child or with his teacher. His tantrums escalated into pushing his teacher into her desk. The school felt that he was a risk to both himself and other kids and asked us to leave. We have not found another school for him yet in part because I am just so embarrassed and I feel like such a failure as a parent. But I also don't know what to look for to keep this from happening again.
A: In the 1990s it became very clear that preschool and pre-K programs in our nation needed to be strengthened. Research supports that K3 and K4 programs make a huge difference in a child's long term educational success. So, money was poured into developing state funded preschool programs as well as curriculums for this critical developmental time. Yet, support for early educators regarding proper behavioral interventions continues to be scarce. In the early 2000s, experts began pointing at the alarmingly high rate of preschool expulsions in our nation. Almost at the very same time we should have been starting to see success from building our pre-K programs we are undermining this success with expulsions due to behavior problems. According to a study out of Yale, preschool expulsions at state-funded programs are three times more common than expulsions in K-12 programs. It is most likely this rate is even higher in private preschools or daycare type settings. That means that four-year-olds, who are not developmentally or emotionally equipped to deal with this type of consequence, are being singled out and exposed to a situation that our schools have gone to extraordinary measures to avoid for our much older children. Even more alarming is that 78% of suspensions are boys, and black children are almost four times more likely to experience expulsion than white or Latino children.
Pre-K program directors and principals: We must fix this. Expulsion says to a child: "We give up on you," "You do not belong in school,” and "You are unteachable." Imagine the effects of those labels at age four! I urge you to adopt a No Expulsion policy and to back that up with behavioral support for your teachers, parents, and students. We are grossly underestimating the impact of training our early childhood educators in emotional development, behavioral therapy, and parent/teacher communication. Emotional wellness begins at home, but schools can and should make a difference. Curriculums are now available for pre-K programs that focus on mindfulness, body control tactics, and positive discipline intervention. All schools should have a defined policy for communicating with parents in a nonjudgmental way about behavioral concerns, which should be done as soon as any problems appear. And schools should consider partnering with a behavioral health provider resource for your staff to provide general professional development or individual consults.
As for you as a parent, accept and believe first and foremost that this is an adult problem that needs to be fixed by adults nor a problem you can expect your four-year-old to fix. My advice is to meet with the director of your son's school and understand specifically the problems they encountered with your child. Get details such as what the triggers for aggression were, how the daily routine played a role, and what behavioral interventions were tried and failed. Once you have that information, put that school in your past. Move on. Find a behavioral counselor who can help you understand the best parenting interventions to avoid extreme tantrums. Become well versed in positive reinforcement, and use it at home. And then find a new school. Be very honest with them about previous experiences and some of the negative behaviors you are trying to change in your son. Ask them about their staff's understanding of child development specifically pertaining to behavior, ask them if they are willing to work in conjunction with you and your counselor, and find out what discipline tactics they use. Educate them on your child and what his triggers are, and help them avoid them or manage them better. Work as a team, never placing blame on anyone, especially your child.
Remember your son is only four, and that life and parental love are everlasting. One six-month period of frustrating behavior does not a serial killer make! You are doing a wonderful thing for his future by making sure he is getting a good pre-K education and by helping him to assimilate into the world of primary education despite challenges. You are also sending him the message that you will never give up on him, and that he is a great kid and worthy of a great school, these messages are priceless. So, forget the embarrassment, make a plan, and give your strong-willed child a fresh start. It will not be the last time your flexibility, advocacy, and unconditional love will be tested.
